Zero
09-03-2005, 10:45 PM
A good read, check it out.
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Lovable losers? The Kansas City Star
August 30, 2005
Hello. Lovable Losers Inc. You stink, we wink. How can we help you?"
Yes. I was hoping to apply for official lovable loser status.
"Sure, sure, everybody these days wants to be a lovable loser. We get nine calls a day from Adam Sandler alone. What's your lovable loser gimmick? Do you sing off key on 'American Idol?' Are you an Olympic swimmer who can barely swim? Are you a poor English shlub willing to strip to make some money? What's your hustle?"
No, I'm not applying for me. I'm applying for the Kansas City Royals (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/teams/kan/).
"Baseball, eh? We haven't had a good lovable loser in baseball since the New York Mets (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/teams/nym/) in the 1960s. Remember them? Casey Stengel? Marvelous Marv Throneberry? You ever heard the 'Yo lo tengo' story?"
Yeah, I've heard it …
"It seems that Mets outfielder Richie Ashburn learned how to say 'I got it' in Spanish - that's 'Yo lo tengo' - just so he would stop colliding with Venezuelan shortstop Elio Chacon. Well, one day there's a short pop-up, Ashburn screams, 'Yo lo tengo!' Sure enough, Chacon stops. Ashburn settles in - and, BLAMMO, he collides with left fielder Frank Thomas (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/4527/). Ha ha! OK, hold on, let me get out the baseball application form. What team are you applying for again?"
The Kansas City Royals.
"Royals, huh? George Brett's team?"
Yeah, that's been a while.
"What are the Royals' qualifications?"
Well, they've lost 100 games or more two of the last three years. They're on pace to lose 110 games this year. They have, for the last seven years, been the worst one-run team in baseball history. They lost 19 in a row this season, which is the most in the major leagues since 1988 …
"No, no, I mean what are their qualifications? There are a lot of bad teams out there, but there's nothing lovable about them. I've got a whole stack of applications in the back. The Los Angeles Clippers (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/lac/) have been trying to become lovable losers for decades. The Cincinnati Bengals (http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/teams/cin/) reapply every year. What makes the Royals lovable losers? Anything funny happen there?"
Well, once this year, the Royals blew a five-run lead in the ninth when they dropped two pop-ups. That's sort of funny and lovable, isn't it? They blew another five-run lead in the ninth when shortstop Angel Berroa (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6817/) made two errors. They blew a four-run lead in the ninth at Yankee Stadium when Jeremy Affeldt (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6883/) slipped on the rosin bag trying to start a double play.
"OK, that's pretty good …"
No, wait, I'm just getting started. Their manager quit in the middle of the year, shortly after being subpoenaed to appear in a divorce case. The guy who was supposed to throw out the first pitch on opening day, Gus Zernial, got stuck in Denver and couldn't make it. The Royals once started a game by batting out of order. They once left relief pitcher Shawn Camp (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7304/) off the lineup card by mistake. They had this big slugger, Calvin Pickering (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6112/), who struck out 14 times in his 27 at-bats.
There's this statistic called OPS, you know, which combines on-base percentage and slugging percentage. It's a pretty good stat to measure hitters. Last year, there were two everyday players in baseball with an OPS of less than .660. The Royals had six players in their starting lineup on Monday with an OPS of less than .660.
"OK, look, I don't want fancy stats here … this isn't Moneyball."
How about this? The Royals had two big nights scheduled this year - one a 20-years-later celebration of the 1985 world championship, and the other a day for Bret Saberhagen, quite possibly the best Royals pitcher ever. Both nights were rained out."
"Man, that's harsh."
You want to talk harsh? The Royals have a 21-year-old pitcher, Zack Greinke (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7257/), who is supposed to be the hope of this team. So far this year, he is 3-16 with a 6.28 ERA. He's having one of the worst seasons in baseball history. And he's not even the worst pitcher on the team. That would be Jose Lima (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/5212/), who is 5-12 with a 6.43 ERA.
"Well, you would think …"
Wait. I haven't told you about Angel Berroa. He has not walked this month. You hear me? He has unintentionally walked once since June 19. Here's one for you: Berroa has walked 14 times. He's been hit by a pitch 14 times. If he can pick up the pace, he can become the first player since Ollie O'Mara in 1918 to get plunked more than he walks.
"That's amazing. But I still don't know about lovable loser status."
Look. I'm not going to lie to you. We're desperate here. You can't understand how bad Kansas City sports have become. People here root mainly for three Division I colleges - Kansas, Kansas State and Missouri. None of them made a bowl game last year. None of the men's basketball teams got past the first round of the NCAA Tournament. The pro football Chiefs were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender and instead had one of the worst defenses in NFL history. The pro soccer team is for sale. Jackson County is about to run out of money to improve the stadiums. Even the senior golf tournament in town has been deluged by rain and has now been dumped by its sponsor. We need something.
"What good would lovable loser status do?"
Oh, I don't know. Maybe people could just go to Kauffman Stadium and have a good time. Drink a beer or pop. Eat a bratwurst. Enjoy the fountains. Appreciate the convenient parking and elbow room. Laugh at Sluggerrr. Laugh at the baseball. People here could use the laughs. Look, the Royals are bad. If Monday night's Royals lineup is any indication - the entire lineup had 37 home runs, five fewer than Atlanta's Andruw Jones (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/5681/) - they are only going to get worse. The owner isn't spending money. The general manager's moves have backfired.
Right now, baseball fans are angry and depressed. You want to go around town and take away the shoelaces of every Royals fan. It would be much better if everyone could just embrace the bad baseball, you know, the way the Mets fans did in the 1960s. Those Mets were awful, but they outdrew the Yankees. Cubs fans haven't won anything in a half-million years, but they still drink in the sunshine. I think we need some of that. Hey, it's still baseball. It's still fun.
"Well, you know it's hard to be a lovable loser these days. People take sports a lot more seriously now than they used to in the old days. People are angrier. They scream on talk radio. They write angry blogs on the Internet. They want victories. They want results. I think in today's world people would write in to management and demand that Charlie Brown be fired as manager. But, hey, we'll consider your application."
All right. I appreciate your consideration. And if it helps, the Royals just lost to Minnesota 3-1 in 10 innings. They lost when Shawn Camp walked two guys and then gave up the two-run double. That raised his ERA to 7.85.
"That's not very funny."
No, I guess not. Well, the Royals had a lot of experience with losing. They're still working on the lovable part, you know?
_______
Lovable losers? The Kansas City Star
August 30, 2005
Hello. Lovable Losers Inc. You stink, we wink. How can we help you?"
Yes. I was hoping to apply for official lovable loser status.
"Sure, sure, everybody these days wants to be a lovable loser. We get nine calls a day from Adam Sandler alone. What's your lovable loser gimmick? Do you sing off key on 'American Idol?' Are you an Olympic swimmer who can barely swim? Are you a poor English shlub willing to strip to make some money? What's your hustle?"
No, I'm not applying for me. I'm applying for the Kansas City Royals (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/teams/kan/).
"Baseball, eh? We haven't had a good lovable loser in baseball since the New York Mets (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/teams/nym/) in the 1960s. Remember them? Casey Stengel? Marvelous Marv Throneberry? You ever heard the 'Yo lo tengo' story?"
Yeah, I've heard it …
"It seems that Mets outfielder Richie Ashburn learned how to say 'I got it' in Spanish - that's 'Yo lo tengo' - just so he would stop colliding with Venezuelan shortstop Elio Chacon. Well, one day there's a short pop-up, Ashburn screams, 'Yo lo tengo!' Sure enough, Chacon stops. Ashburn settles in - and, BLAMMO, he collides with left fielder Frank Thomas (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/4527/). Ha ha! OK, hold on, let me get out the baseball application form. What team are you applying for again?"
The Kansas City Royals.
"Royals, huh? George Brett's team?"
Yeah, that's been a while.
"What are the Royals' qualifications?"
Well, they've lost 100 games or more two of the last three years. They're on pace to lose 110 games this year. They have, for the last seven years, been the worst one-run team in baseball history. They lost 19 in a row this season, which is the most in the major leagues since 1988 …
"No, no, I mean what are their qualifications? There are a lot of bad teams out there, but there's nothing lovable about them. I've got a whole stack of applications in the back. The Los Angeles Clippers (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/lac/) have been trying to become lovable losers for decades. The Cincinnati Bengals (http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/teams/cin/) reapply every year. What makes the Royals lovable losers? Anything funny happen there?"
Well, once this year, the Royals blew a five-run lead in the ninth when they dropped two pop-ups. That's sort of funny and lovable, isn't it? They blew another five-run lead in the ninth when shortstop Angel Berroa (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6817/) made two errors. They blew a four-run lead in the ninth at Yankee Stadium when Jeremy Affeldt (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6883/) slipped on the rosin bag trying to start a double play.
"OK, that's pretty good …"
No, wait, I'm just getting started. Their manager quit in the middle of the year, shortly after being subpoenaed to appear in a divorce case. The guy who was supposed to throw out the first pitch on opening day, Gus Zernial, got stuck in Denver and couldn't make it. The Royals once started a game by batting out of order. They once left relief pitcher Shawn Camp (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7304/) off the lineup card by mistake. They had this big slugger, Calvin Pickering (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6112/), who struck out 14 times in his 27 at-bats.
There's this statistic called OPS, you know, which combines on-base percentage and slugging percentage. It's a pretty good stat to measure hitters. Last year, there were two everyday players in baseball with an OPS of less than .660. The Royals had six players in their starting lineup on Monday with an OPS of less than .660.
"OK, look, I don't want fancy stats here … this isn't Moneyball."
How about this? The Royals had two big nights scheduled this year - one a 20-years-later celebration of the 1985 world championship, and the other a day for Bret Saberhagen, quite possibly the best Royals pitcher ever. Both nights were rained out."
"Man, that's harsh."
You want to talk harsh? The Royals have a 21-year-old pitcher, Zack Greinke (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7257/), who is supposed to be the hope of this team. So far this year, he is 3-16 with a 6.28 ERA. He's having one of the worst seasons in baseball history. And he's not even the worst pitcher on the team. That would be Jose Lima (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/5212/), who is 5-12 with a 6.43 ERA.
"Well, you would think …"
Wait. I haven't told you about Angel Berroa. He has not walked this month. You hear me? He has unintentionally walked once since June 19. Here's one for you: Berroa has walked 14 times. He's been hit by a pitch 14 times. If he can pick up the pace, he can become the first player since Ollie O'Mara in 1918 to get plunked more than he walks.
"That's amazing. But I still don't know about lovable loser status."
Look. I'm not going to lie to you. We're desperate here. You can't understand how bad Kansas City sports have become. People here root mainly for three Division I colleges - Kansas, Kansas State and Missouri. None of them made a bowl game last year. None of the men's basketball teams got past the first round of the NCAA Tournament. The pro football Chiefs were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender and instead had one of the worst defenses in NFL history. The pro soccer team is for sale. Jackson County is about to run out of money to improve the stadiums. Even the senior golf tournament in town has been deluged by rain and has now been dumped by its sponsor. We need something.
"What good would lovable loser status do?"
Oh, I don't know. Maybe people could just go to Kauffman Stadium and have a good time. Drink a beer or pop. Eat a bratwurst. Enjoy the fountains. Appreciate the convenient parking and elbow room. Laugh at Sluggerrr. Laugh at the baseball. People here could use the laughs. Look, the Royals are bad. If Monday night's Royals lineup is any indication - the entire lineup had 37 home runs, five fewer than Atlanta's Andruw Jones (http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/5681/) - they are only going to get worse. The owner isn't spending money. The general manager's moves have backfired.
Right now, baseball fans are angry and depressed. You want to go around town and take away the shoelaces of every Royals fan. It would be much better if everyone could just embrace the bad baseball, you know, the way the Mets fans did in the 1960s. Those Mets were awful, but they outdrew the Yankees. Cubs fans haven't won anything in a half-million years, but they still drink in the sunshine. I think we need some of that. Hey, it's still baseball. It's still fun.
"Well, you know it's hard to be a lovable loser these days. People take sports a lot more seriously now than they used to in the old days. People are angrier. They scream on talk radio. They write angry blogs on the Internet. They want victories. They want results. I think in today's world people would write in to management and demand that Charlie Brown be fired as manager. But, hey, we'll consider your application."
All right. I appreciate your consideration. And if it helps, the Royals just lost to Minnesota 3-1 in 10 innings. They lost when Shawn Camp walked two guys and then gave up the two-run double. That raised his ERA to 7.85.
"That's not very funny."
No, I guess not. Well, the Royals had a lot of experience with losing. They're still working on the lovable part, you know?